the triopic mega article

The other day my friend asked me how the human race would be doing if we were made of turnips.     Well, I said, "Shit. I don't like turnips."

First off, I want to apologize to my 7 (and growing) readers for not posting sooner, but father pump had some business in sin city that he wanted me to join him on, so I've been out of computer access since thursday so its been rough. Fortunately when i take i also give. So with that in mind, I bring you the Inception article (article inside an article, inside an article. for all u culturally inept people).  So in this article I will try to broach on the topics of the mountain west conference (due to the fact i am in vegas). LeBron James pot spoking, and of course the polarizing figure that is TIGRE Woods.

In the current era of the NBA, it is commonly known that many players are smoking year round ( i mean just look at Bill Walker, his eyes have been red since his freshman year in high school). Hell, even as recently as december the NBA decided that drug testing would stop in the summer. Now, what does this tell the players? probably something along the lines of shit, "Shyitttt, once i get my last pay check from team x i am gonna buy a pound and get stoopid with my boys." Or i mean thats what I would say.

Now on to the fat of this article and that is none other than LB J, LeBron James, aka LePot Head. As many of you may have already know, he already has a past with pot. But if you have not heard this before he has repeatedly admitted to smoking that green shit in high school. Now I don't know about you but every time he plays, and every other time he is on camera, he still looks high as a horned frog in a sugar cane. Now on to my theory of how his heavy smoke habit is affecting his play. As one may know after any interaction, with any substance that afterwards you will feel a withdrawal that will sap the substance from you. Now with this in mind, I would like to examine his quarter by quarter statistics. In the first quarter, he averages a impressive 8.3 points, then in the second it drops by more than a full point to 6.9 points, then after half time it raises to an even more impressive 8.4 points, but then finally and most expectedly his forth quarter average drops yet again by more than a point to 7.3 points. (http://82games.com/random26.htm stat source)

 Now to the untrained eye, this may just represent fatigue that many athletes experience during the course of a grueling 30 minute half, but to the trained eye this represents much more. As one knows there is a major come down from smoking around the 45 minute mark, at this time the user of the drug will possibly experience both sleepiness and lack of energy. Now to fully explain this phenomenon one must know that the average NBA quarter lasts around 30 minutes due to time outs, and other random stoppages of time.

Now to explain how I see this playing out for LeBron (no real prof but it is logical).... so before the game LeBron and Dwayne split a blunt getting high as Mike Tyson on a coke bender. What this leads to is the insane creativity, especially when attacking the rim, and skill that they both exhibit on any given night. Then as the game wheres on, the affects of the pre-game festivities start to wear off for him around the second quarter. During the second quarter, he starts to develop both fatigue and a massive headache that is only exacerbated by the deafening crowds that he has come to play in front of. Other ailments that start to hinder his attention to the game are both the munchies, and cotton mouth. This leads to an increasing turnover rate for LeBron (around 6 per game on average). Then as they go in to the half time break, Lebron sprints to the locker room where he has had his vaporizer pre heating to about 340 degrees with the jumbo sized bags filled with the thickest vapor one can create, along with a tray of his favorite snacks. Then as Eric Spolestra explains the game plan, LeBron and Joel Anthony rip bag after bag as the vap attendant (I know decadent but what does he care he makes 18 mil a year+ endorsements)

Then with the reddest of eyes, and the most freshest baked of souls, he storms back out on to the court playing with the energy of a million coke heads. Then just as LeBron thinks that he can make it to the end of the game with out a come down he starts to feel it. It starts in his legs then moves to his eyes, then finally the brain. The energy is sapped out of him as each second of the forth quarter passes. Out of energy and out of breath, LeBron secedes his responsibilities to Wade because he honestly is to burnt out and wants to take a weed nap in his California king sized bed with silk sheets (understandable).

And that people is how and why I think LeBron is a pot head.

Fuckin Baller

Now, on to the most epic conference race currently taking place in the country, and no power 6 conferences I am not talking about you. I am talking none other than the mountain west. Starting their rise towards mainstream relevancy during the early 90's when Jerry Tark took his uber talented squad to the finals twice, winning once, the mountain west has now built a talent rich league that simply can not be ignored. Today, there are four teams that can, and should make the tournament.

First off I will start off with UNLV. Lead by UCLA cast offs  Mike Moser, and Chance Stanback along with junior Anthony Marshall. What that last sentence alone should tell you is that this team is no regular overly well coached Hoosier shit. It instead tells you that this has some power six conference castoffs that are back to snap necks, and cash checks. With this in mind, one can already see that UNLV is out to destroy having already defeated what was at the time the #1 ranked UNC team in late November. In this file://localhost/Users/darylbrookkraus/Desktop/i.jpeggame not only did they beat them, but they punched them in the mouth, and made em' look like a big ol' bunch of softies. But like many teams this young, ( I don't care how old they may seem, they are  still 18, 19, 20, 21) in a building with 18- 20 thousand pissed off drunk college students, they tend to get a little shaky when the cheers aren't in their favor. By this I mean they can not play away from home, when one examines their record they will see most of the trophy wins at home, and all the embarrassments on the road.

Now on to the next team that I love in this division, and this is none other than SDSU. As some of my most loyal readers may know ol pump has a brother, and for some reason that kid has always had an obsession with this fine university. This love has infact rubbed on to me because there is nothing to dislike about this squad at the moment. They have a great coach in Steve Fisher, the man that brought you all the fab 5. They have a talented squad that can score in bunches, including the dynamic and electric 1-2 guard combination of Jamaal Franklin and Chase Tapley. Although I think this team can go great distances, they also just can not play at home taking almost all their losses away from home. I also want to make a shout out to the student section at SDSU known as the show. Of all the student sections I have ever known (and ive known quite a few) none have come to this level of intensity and creativity. For instance this is what happens when the BYU cougars role in to town. I dare any other school to get on The Shows level.

Now on to the final, and most person part of the article. This means none other that I am going to spill my heart out about Tiger Woods. When talking about polarizing this is the first man I always think, of no not that virgin choir boy in denver that everyone thinks is so great. So the man starts off his career with 14 Major wins along with god knows how many other wins, wins the US Open on one knee. For about 10 years guys a deities walking among men with a putter. Then man crashes his car on thanksgiving, and then the flood gates open. Turns out not only was his wife trying to attack him, but also it turns out women are attracted to this mans dick like fly tape in a louisiana swamp. Now when i see this man that losses multiple stroke after 56 holes i do not know what to think. I see something different in his eyes honest to say. I dont see the man knew if he was leading come end of day three that is over the next day. I do not see a man that knows how to step on the collective neck of the field. Now i See a man who if he played a round with Lil' Pump Action, would snap mentally and possible self-destruct before hole 13. But as each little step forward brings more light upon this once broken man I start to hope more and more that he will return to the man he once was, the man that pillaged golf courses, and fellow golfer not just everyones wife.
Sorry to end on such a somber note but my love for this man game will never fade. he had raw power, he had tactics, and he electrified a fan base like none before him.
Well also in more recent sports week I just want to point out my 2 sleeper teams, Murray State, and Long Beach State both destroyed their respective bracket-buster Saturday matchup.
Thats all for now
   Pump Action Kraus